It’s another beautiful day in the City of Angels, apart from the fact that a man is threatening to jump from a tall building. But wouldn’t you know it, Maddie and David just happening to be arguing past the building. And WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT, Maddie happens to know the man currently reciting the cost of his clothes and throwing them into the crowd.
Honestly, what were the odds of any of this?
Maddie offers her assistance to a passing cop, who tells her the departmental psychologist will be there shortly, Maddie would just need to keep the man talking until then. Maddie sticks her head out the window to chat to Charles, a man she knew from her modelling days. It turns out that Charles has been swindled by Maddie’s accountant Ron Sawyer too, and he can’t live with the idea of being poor. How quaint.
Maddie does her best to convince Charles that there is more to life than money (he begs to differ), and she convinces him that one day they will find Sawyer and get their money back. Charles tells her he knows where he is, Ron took off to Buenos Aires and built a casino with his ill gotten gains.
Maddie and David fight all the way back to the office. Maddie’s going down to Buenos Aires to confront Ron Sawyer, David thinks she’s just setting herself up to be laughed at. There’s more fighting, bickering and sniping. Poet Laureate Agnes DiPesto books Maddie on a flight to Buenos Aires and Maddie storms out of the office.
Maddie flies down and fantasises about confronting Ron, who falls into a pitiful puddle at the mere sight of her. Meanwhile the next day maybe, and for reasons not entirely explained, Poet Laureate Agnes DiPesto enters the office to the tune of the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy and finds David contemplating if he should put Guns and Ammo magazine in the lobby and pretending he’s not hurt by Maddie’s sudden departure. Agnes tells him she misses Maddie too.
Cut to Maddie strolling through the aforementioned casino while You Wear It Well plays in the background. She finds her way back to the casino office where a poker game is playing. A minion tells her that Ron doesn’t see people without an appointment, but all of a sudden Ron glides into the room and says he’ll happily catch up with Maddie. He offers her a drink and a seat, which she refuses. She didn’t come all this way to have a drink and a seat with the man who robbed her.
“Then why did you come?” Ron asks. “Wait. Don’t answer. You happened through some twist of fate to discover where I was. Full of rage and a passion for justice, you grabbed the first flight down, sure that the mere power of your presence would be too much for me, that I would fall to my knees, beg your forgiveness and return to you all the money that is rightfully yours?”
Ron wants to know what she wants, since he’s not giving the money back. Maddie tells Ron she hates him. Ron tells her it was strictly business – he always liked Madeline, he didn’t leave her with nothing, and he always looked forward to their meetings, she was incredibly beautiful. Maddie slaps him and Ron has her escorted back to the casino, telling his minions to make sure Maddie has anything she wants.
Which, Maddie has decided, is two serves of the most expensive thing on the restaurant menu and a magnum of Dom Perignon 76.
Maddie’s revenge dinner is alas interrupted by some James Bond cosplay.
David helps himself to the champagne and proffers a toast.
Maddie admits that the whole trip was a bust, but David has an idea. What better way to take revenge than a casino playing montage?
Maddie’s not sold on the idea, she doesn’t want Sawyer to get another cent of her money. David is convinced – “Does felt feel, do dice die?”
David gets on a three win streak but then loses. Maddie takes over and puts all her money on the bet that wins the most.
Queue the montage sequence!
Maddie and David end the night twenty thousand dollars richer. Maddie is overjoyed! David is David.
David can’t believe their luck – poker is more his jam. But he’ll take it. He suggests to Maddie that they stay and tear up the town for another couple of days but Maddie thinks they should just get the red eye back to Los Angeles.
And then Ron shows up. He thinks it’s cute that Maddie won twenty grand.
Ron floats back to his poker game with the hope that Maddie won’t be a stranger. Maddie’s not done. She wants her money back and she knows just how to get it – with David demonstrating his poker playing prowess. David doesn’t want to – they had unbelievable luck winning the twenty grand, he doesn’t want to push it but Maddie wants her old life back.
…and then it all comes down to one last card turn. Ron has places to be and people to swindle so he accepts Maddie’s collateral of her house, her car and her detective agency. He’s all in, and Maddie has to decide whether she wants to risk it all and possibly lose her mansion, her car and the detective agency.
Maddie decides to fold, and immediately feels better. She bids Ron good night and goodbye, and departs. A few seconds later she rushes back in to find out whether David had the winning hand.
As punishment for making her see sense, Maddie leaves David in Buenos Aires and flies back to Los Angeles. Several telegrams and a heartfelt request from Poet Laureate Agnes DiPesto later, Maddie agrees to wire David three hundred and forty dollars of the three fifty he needs to get a flight home. She figures he can find the rest somewhere.
It’s another beautiful day in the City of Angels and someone is taking their time in the shower. And yes I’m referring to the cameraman.
Shower done, heels on, the mysterious lady is ready to slay the day.
Meanwhile at the Blue Moon Detective Agency, Maddie arrives at work to discover her employees have started brawling as a way to pass the day. Maddie is horrified, and storms into David’s office to tell him about the morale problem they clearly have in the workplace.
Maddie is set to start firing people when Poet Laureate Agnes DiPesto buzzes with the news that there’s a woman there to see them and she thinks it’s about a case.
The masked lady walks in and sits down, introduces herself as Barbara Wylie, and begins to tell her story. The mask is a result of a terrifying acid attack from an ex lover, consumed by jealousy when she chose to marry another man. He went to prison but is now released and she wants Blue Moon to find him and see if he’ll marry her. She never stopped loving him, she’ll divorce her husband, the whole thing. She hands over a cheque for five thousand dollars and sashays away.
David wants to call the parole board straight away but Maddie doesn’t want to capitalize on this woman’s grief. They argue all the way to reception, where they discover the office has gone to lunch at quarter past ten in the morning. Maddie’s back to firing, but David suggests that instead they look into Barbara’s ex boyfriend Frank Harbert instead – if they don’t like what they find, they’ll return Barbara’s cheque.
On their way out into the desert, David tries to pass the time by cracking jokes but Maddie is thinking about why Barbara would even want to see the man who caused her so much pain. Maddie remembers when she was in college and a romantic suitor would not take no for an answer, to the point where he got caught by security in her dorm room. Maddie felt ashamed for him, and for herself. He took away her “No”, and the man who threw acid at Barbara took away her “No” too. David is touched and offers to call the whole thing off but Maddie tells him she loves driving through Mars and she couldn’t imagine any one else she’s rather see die of thirst.
They find Frank Herbert working as a security guard in an old church out in the middle of nowhere. He’s reluctant to speak to them, but when Maddie hands over the photo Barbara gave them to give him, he relents. He’s staggered to think that Barbara wants to marry him after what he did, but he tells them to do Barbara a favour and tell her they couldn’t find him.
As they drive back to Los Angeles, Maddie and David debate about what to do. Maddie wants to reunite them but is worried about the consequences if they do. David points out that if they tell Barbara they can’t find Frank, Barbara will most likely just go find another agency. Maddie agrees and tells David to pull over at the next gas station, she’ll call Barbara with the news.
That night, Maddie and David are strolling the streets of Los Angeles flushed with cash when they see a news story on a television in a window – Frank Harbert has been found dead. Horrified, they rush to Barbara’s hotel room where her husband Benjamin answers the door. He tells them Barbara doesn’t leave the house but they beg to differ and push their way into the room. Barbara is hiding behind a screen, and refuses to come out. She tells them that she heard about Frank on the news but she didn’t hire them to find him – why on earth would she want to locate the man who ruined her life? David swears he will not rest until he finds the proof that she orchestrated the whole thing, and they leave.
Back at the office…
Maddie : The first real case and we killed someone!
David: So what if we did?
Maddie: This isn’t funny Dave. We led Barbara Wiley right to him.
David: Yeah, but we did it great. And who knows, maybe there’s a new market for that? Blue Moon! We find him you kill him. We tag him you bag him. We spot him you drop him.
David: Not funny?
Maddie: You swing from a vine, Addison.
David: Sounds like fun!
Maddie is set to call the police and be done with it, but David thinks there’s still a chance they can get everything back on track – they will just need to catch Barbara Wylie in a lie and then they can wrap the whole thing up.
And so, surveillance.
They spot Barbara Wylie departing the hotel where she lives and getting into a cab. They jump into the next cab and tail her. They watch her get out of the cab a short time later and swap to car which she then drives to a local park. Maddie feels terrible, she believed Barbara Wylie’s protestations that she had never hired them to find Frank. David, however, isn’t having a bar of it. Maddie and David follow Barbara through the park and along a canal, where they see her drop a gun into the water.
They tail Barbara back to her hotel. The case seems pretty open and shut – until Maddie spots Barbara leaving the building again. David sneaks them up to the roof of the building next door so that they can watch her return. Instead of Barbara coming home to room 423, however, Barbara’s silhouette comes home to room 417. They watch as the silhouette removes the mask – it’s Benjamin Wylie.
Back at the Blue Moon office Maddie is pacing. She doesn’t know how to prove that Barbara Wylie didn’t kill Frank, but that Benjamin Wylie did. Shockingly, it turns into an argument between Maddie and David – Maddie thinks she doesn’t need David. Maddie will solve the case her way, David will solve it his way.
Fortunately they have the same idea. Category is, Noir Widow Realness.
David finds himself in Room 417 for a snoop when he hears someone at the door. He flees to the nearest closet to find it presently occupied.
When they realise Barbara is home they burst out of the closet to tell her she’s being framed for Frank’s murder – until there’s a noise at the door and Barbara walks in. The other Barbara scurries into the closet and returns with a gun. Benjamin reveals himself and says he organised the whole thing because he was sick of being married to someone who wouldn’t let him see them.
And with that, he legs it and a Scooby Doo level chase ensues
And ends exactly how you think it does…
The next day Maddie and David apologise for fighting (again) and all is well in the world.
It’s another season of Moonlighting and Maddie and David are still fighting.
Apparently this episode was one minute short of the network sanctioned sixty minutes, so to make up for it Maddie and David had a one minute argument to welcome viewers back to another season of Moonlighting.
I mean that’s one way to do it.
Cut to South Philidelphia where a shady dude is meeting another shady due for some Shady Business which turns out to be a drug buy. Everything seems to be going as it does until the buyer reveals himself to be an undercover cop.
There’s chaos, there’s gunshots, there’s a car crash and the dealer legs it with the money into a hotel car park. His attempts to find an unlocked car to hide in yield nothing, so in desperation he hides the suitcase full of money under the hood of a beat up old car parked in a corner before making a casual getaway past the hotel itself.
Now who is going to turn down a prime rib dinner for $7.95 am I right? Certainly not this guy.
Because honestly, who doesn’t want to get in on the ground floor of a breakthrough weight loss money making investment system for the future? Especially when his sales pitch is a rap with backup dancers.
I’m sure it won’t surprise you to learn that the man behind this money pit a) owns the beat up car currently hiding a suitcase full of money, and b) is named Richard Addison. After a long evening of no one taking up his thin and rich plan and being quietly mocked by the backup dancers, Richard finds the suitcase under the hood of his car and immediately legs it into the night.
Really this whole plan was very flawed by the dealer, whose name I should point out is Mr Navarone in case I forget to mention the hilarious Guns of Navarone joke later.
The good news is that it’s another beautiful day in the City of Angels, but the less good news is that Maddie is stressing about her finances again – the IRS want her to sell her house unless she can produce $37,000. She even caves and tries to win money off the local radio station, but with no luck. A well timed buzz from Poet Laureate Agnes DiPesto signals to David that Maddie is on the warpath and he tries to persuade her that a case is just around the corner. Whether or not that is true remains to be seen because a call has just come in for David – from his brother.
On the way to meet Richard for dinner that night, Maddie is tickled that David is so not eager to see his brother. David explains that Richard was not like him at all, he was always looking for a get rich quick scheme that usually involved some crazy invention or another. Considering Richard has booked himself a fancy hotel and a fancy dinner for that night Maddie thinks he must be doing okay now, and thinks it’s hilarious how worried David is that Richard might be doing better than him.
At the restaurant Richard and David immediately start butting heads – David wants to know where Richard’s money came rom and Richard wants to know how much money David has. A phone call for Richard breaks the tension until he realises it’s the owner of the briefcase wanting his money back. Richard returns to the table and announces they should go dancing instead.
While Richard and Maddie slow dance to Patti Labelle and have a jolly old time, David sit in the corner and glowers. Later, while Maddie is on the bar phone to someone Richard tells him she’s something and he agrees. Richard wants to know if they ever…but David tells him it’s strictly business, Richard is welcome to her but David needs to borrow $37,000 and he can’t say anything to Maddie about it. Richard agrees, and David leaves.
The next morning Maddie waltzes into the office in a Good Mood. She finds David lounging in his office, not terribly interested in hearing how her night with his brother went. Maddie tells him Richard had nothing but nice things to say about him to which David says “I have nothing but nice things to say about me either.”
Maddie decides not to hang around in the office all day and is about to leave when David hands her an envelope with $37,000 in it. He tells her he came in early and found an old forgotten bank account, so there you go. Maddie is overjoyed but David brushes it off.
After Maddie leaves, Poet Laureate Agnes DiPesto wanders in, confused. Maddie told her about the second bank account, but she’s worked there forever and she knows there’s not a second bank account. David yells at her, and storms off to the bathroom to trash it and sulk.
After dirty dancing with the hand dryer…
…David is accosted by Mr Navarrone, who demands his money back, Richard. How Mr Navarrone knew Richard was in California having dinner with David apparently is not worth mentioning, but he tells David to produce the money or there will be trouble.
An extremely suspicious David finds Maddie and Richard playing Trivial Pursuit at Maddie’s house (not code). David bursts in and tells Richard he’s a dead man – they start fighting, and Maddie joins in once her lamp and vase are broken. When she realises she’s not breaking up the fight, she takes matters into her own hands.
After David threatens to make Richard eat dirt and worms (and orders Maddie to procure said dirt and worms), David confronts Richard about the money and Richard comes clean. Maddie and David want to go to the police about it, but Richard tells them it’s impossible, he doesn’t have all the money. He only has about eleven hundred dollars left, not counting the other money. David tells him not a word or a syllable, and that they will just go to the mall and return all the things Richard has bought.
At the mall they manage to get around thirty grand in refunds before they run into Mr Navarrone in the menswear section. A hilarious chase ensues through the mall before they all meet again. Navarrone demands his money and suggests they adjourn to the cinema so they can have a bit more privacy.
“What’s playing?” Asks Richard.
“The Guns of Navarrone.” Growls Navarrone.
Before Navarrone can have his way, David decides to take matters into his own hands
And there it is. Fortunately the cops come and arrest Mr Navarrone, and give a reward of $7500 to David for the assist.
I dunno, I’m amazed this episode was only one minute under regulations, but what do I know?
If you could only see the little dance I do when the theme starts playing…
Let’s all take a moment to mourn the fact that I never added gifs to Murder She Blogged.
It’s another beautiful day in the City of Angels, and over at LAX a man arrives off a plane to see a crowd of media shouting and general carry on. He asks a passer-by, and is told that a flight from Lisbon has gone down – either crashed or blown up. The man appears shooketh – he was supposed to be on that flight but switched.
But he recovers well.
The man, who shall be known as Karen until further notice – because as anyone who works in the service industry knows men can be Karens too – attempts to get money out of an ATM but instead gets a phone call from the bank wanting to prove his identity.
A helpful supervisor gets on the phone and tells Karen that his card had been cancelled as they had received notification of his death.
While Karen grapples with his own existence, over at the Blue Moon Detective Agency Maddie is grappling with the bills while David grapples with how to get a piano installed in the office. (Not by helicopter like they will have to do with the pool table, if you’re wondering)
The inspiration for said furniture acquisition, comes from a book.
Maddie has no time for this, and orders the piano delivery cancelled.
ALLITERATION BABY! (And spoiler alert, I have to watch this show with subtitles because the dialogue is insane, and even then the subtitles can’t keep up. All part of the service here at GNMA)
Maddie is three minutes into a rant about how they need paying clients when David tells her he’s got one. Contract signed and everything. The inspiration was the book – he read it, and had a lightbulb moment.
(My ability to draw a lightbulb in Microsoft Paint remains unparalleled)
David’s got a signed contract from Easy Credit Assurance Company, or ECAC if you’re nasty – they’re going to be sub-contractors chasing unpaid bills and will get to keep half of any money they recover. Mmm. Capitalism.
Maddie is not keen on the idea, what with having experienced her own recent financial reversals, but David assures her that they’re only chasing lowlifes, scum of the earth and so on and so forth. Maddie remains unconvinced but agrees to give it a try.
Meanwhile, Karen arrives home to his apartment. In the elevator he runs into one of his neighbours, who commends him for leaving the country for a month and getting in builders to renovate while he was away. This seems like news to Karen, who has second thoughts about going home.
Maddie and David are on their way to their first debt collection, a poet who lives with his mother. Maddie is still wrangling with the concept of being a debt collector but David has no such concerns.
David does a deal with Maddie – they’ll try it her way at the next stop but he’s trying it his way now and scaring the creep.
“Yo! Larry! My name is David “Boom Boom” Addison from the Easy Credit Assurance Company, and I’m not leaving until you come out here and sign us a cheque.”
Karen, meanwhile has a sudden urge to confess so heads over to his local church. Inside the confessional he tells the priest that a) it’s been 42 years since his last confession and b) he’s Windjammer.
Karen’s a spy! How exciting.
Karen wants back in from the cold but the priest tells him it’s not that easy – it will take time, the priest is just a courier. Karen tells him he has a communique hidden away that only he knows the location of – he’ll give it up but only when he knows the agency has secured his safety.
Back in a taxi, the taxi driver asks Karen if there’s any particular reason someone would want to follow him. Karen panics, hands the driver some money and tells him to drop him off here. He rips another bill in half, hands half to the driver and tells him he’ll get the other half if he delivers his baggage the next day. He arrives home at his apartment and takes the fire escape – through the window he can see his front door has been booby trapped with a crossbow set to launch at the next person who opens it.
Maddie and David arrive at their second attempt at debt collecting – a man named Roy Hirsh owes money. At first no one answers David’s incessant door buzzing but at last someone picks up – and PLOT TWIST Roy Hirsh is Karen. He asks Maddie if she’s with the agency and she says sure, she’s just here to help him out of this terrible situation. He buzzes them in, then goes to the bathroom to freshen up (#karenlyf).
Through the cunning use of bad guy in the mirror, Karen/Roy realises he’s in danger and a fight ensues, while outside Maddie demands to be let in. She gives up and starts banging on the door, which opens to reveal…
Maddie and David call in the police straight away but are flummoxed when they return to the apartment to find the door locked. The police detective knocks on the door, much to Maddie’s frustration, but it quickly turns to shock when the door opens to reveal the Karen Killer, who introduces himself as Roy Hirsh. Maddie barges into the apartment but there’s no sign a dead body was ever there. The detective apologises to Karen Killer for the intrusion, and tells Maddie and David not to bother calling again unless there is actually a dead body.
Maddie is furious at being made a fool of but David is stoked – it’s a mystery! No more debt collection, Mother Nature has delivered unto them a murder and they need to investigate it, client or no client.
David: You think that Alexander Graham Bell sat back in his workshop and said, “Why am I inventing the telephone? No one else has one. Who’m I going to call?” Heck no! He got out there, did what he had to do, invented the telephone, dialed a number ’til people got good and sick of all that ringing, and went out and bought a telephone so they could answer it!
Maddie: Don’t tell me you read that in your book.
David: Back of a milk carton.
Later that night David and Maddie return to the apartment building. David sweet talks his way inside and they stake out the apartment. Maddie wants to know how they can tell if noone is home, and David tells her it’s a two step process.
Using this absolutely foolproof combination of loud knocking and shaving cream in a paper bag, David concludes that no one is in fact home. After breaking in with Maddie’s credit card (a trick that has never once worked when I’ve locked myself out), they discover the apartment completely gutted and the furniture gone. They snoop about and David gets startled by his own reflection and punches a mirror to reveal a hidden envelope. They retreat to the fire escape when they hear someone trying to get into the apartment – it’s a new guy, still alive, and seemingly knew Karen/Roy pretty well, as he goes straight to the mirror to retrieve the envelope currently sitting in David’s pocket. The man leaves empty handed and while Maddie wonders just what the hell they’re doing, David takes a look inside the envelope and announces Karen/Roy was in fact a Russian spy. So less Karen, more Karine?
The next day at Blue Moon Detective Agency…
If persons are missing, if objects are lost / We’ll find them for you at reasonable cost. / Your runaway husband, that non-paying louse. / We’ll find them for you, bring them back to the house. / Lost a prize-winning dog? Lost a prize-winning cat? / We’ll find them both for you in just no time flat. / So tell us your problem, it’ll all work out fine. / Just tell me your problem, it’s why I’m on the line.
Poet Laureate Agnes DiPesto
…Maddie and David are still arguing over whether or not to keep investigating (and why David has suddenly procured a gun) when Agnes announces they have a client waiting in David’s office. They’re over the moon until she tells them his name is Roy Hirsh and they quickly run out of the office. Down in the carpark they spot the man from the previous night loitering near their car. David realises that he doesn’t know what they look like, and tells Maddie to sneak into their car while he causes a distraction – she can pick him up and they can hightail it out of there,
And if David Addison knows anything, it’s how to cause a distraction.
This one is factual. But honestly if he’d started busting out Bohemian Rhapsody I might have died.
David tries to get a singalong happening, bounces on a car, and when the alarm goes off he shoots out the tyres. Maddie drives past just in time for them to make a hasty retreat.
A car chase ensues, ending in a badly timed turn down a dead end alley. The mystery man draws a gun and announces he is the CIA.
“The CIA? We’ve been running from the CIA?” Maddie shouts.
Back at the office, CIA man informs Maddie and David that Karen/Karine/Roy was in fact a double agent, working in the US to stage terrorist activities but always warns the government ahead of time. Unfortunately his cover was blown in Lisbon (and a plane was taken out to stop him returning) but when that failed, the Soviets sent another agent, Arkady Nestvanchio to kill Roy and steal back the communique but he did it in the wrong order. Arkady followed Maddie and David because he was sure they had found the document, and CIA man followed Arkady because he thought Arkady was right. The communique is confirmation that the Russians had planned to assassinate a visiting Chinese diplomat that evening but they need to know who it is to ensure his safety.
Maddie orders David to relinquish the document and he does, complaining about the lack of speedboat chases, men with big teeth and bowler hats. CIA man reads the document and tells them that they were very specific – they are going to kill the Chinese man with a mole on his nose. He thanks them for their service to their country and departs.
Maddie is filled with the warm glow of helping out a federal agency, but David suddenly gets suspicious. Why does the CIA man who is so desperate to find out the identity of the target just walk off without making a phone call. What if he wasn’t trying to find out who was supposed to be saved, but who was supposed to be killed?
That night David and Maddie arrive at the state dinner and try to bluff their way past the security guard/
Security Officer: I’m sorry, but you’re not on the guest list.
David Addison: That’s because we’re not guests. We’re looking for a man with a mole on his nose.
Security Officer: A mole on his nose ?
Maddie Hayes: A mole on his nose.
Security Officer: [to Maddie] What kind of clothes?
Maddie Hayes: [to David] What kind of clothes?
David Addison: What kind of clothes do you suppose?
Security Officer: What kind of clothes do I suppose would be worn by a man with a mole on his nose? Who knows?
David Addison: Did I happen to mention, did I bother to disclose, that this man that we’re seeking with the mole on his nose? I’m not sure of his clothes or anything else, except he’s Chinese, a big clue by itself.
Maddie Hayes: How do you do that?
David Addison: Gotta read a lot of Dr. Seuss.
Security Officer: I’m sorry to say, I’m sad to report, I haven’t seen anyone at all of that sort. Not a man who’s Chinese with a mole on his nose with some kind of clothes that you can’t suppose. So get away from this door and get out of this place, or I’ll have to hurt you – put my foot in your face
Plan B involves getting into the party dressed as the hired help, which of course meant only one thing in the 80s:
The men in charge of TV and movies in the 80s really had a kink for those maid outfits huh. Maddie’s not happy but David tells her they’ve got no choice and if it makes her feel better she’s doing it for America and he salutes her.
They sneak back into the party past security – and look I could try and explain what happens next, but instead I’m going to share this quote from Brian Henson, talking about his father Jim writing sketches for The Muppet Show.
What my father figured out was, if you can’t get out, you just either blow something up, or you eat something, or you just throw penguins in the air.
And that’s the end of season one. Was the CIA guy really a Soviet spy? What happened to Karen’s luggage? We’ll never know.
It’s just another lazy Friday in the Blue Moon Detective Agency…
…and Maddie is stressing about office finances, while David is performing soliloquys about how right that second, “the spurned lover of a lustful lad is picking up a revolver, pointing it at her former beloved’s brain. He turns, sees his mistress, sees the gun, there’s a scream!”
A scream echoes through out the office.
Not bad! Says David.
The source of the scream was Blue Moon Receptionist and Poet Laureate Agnes DiPesto. A fellow worker reports that she was just sitting there asking people for words that rhyme with detective when she opened the mail and screamed.
“Did anyone suggest effective?” Asks David. (My first thought was defective, which probably says a lot about my state of mind right now).
Agnes has in fact, lost her mind. She’s won a competition to spend the weekend with JB…Harland (Booo). She has to pack! She has to get her hair done! She hugs Maddie! She hugs David! Maddie and David hug for the hell of it!
David asks Maddie to explain it to him later, but Maddie says only if Agnes explains it to her now which she conveniently does. JB Harland (boo), author of the Inspector Dumais mysteries, throws a party on a train every year to solve a murder and this year Agnes is the competition winner who is going to be on board.
(Sidenote, I just had to google if there was ever an episode of Murder She Wrote set on a train and it turns out the telemovie South by Southwest was the only one which might be a sign I need to rewatch the telemovies)
The train is due to depart in a day so Maddie and David send Agnes off to get ready, with the promise that they’ll take her to the station the next day.
My luck is on the rise I’d listen as fate cries The time is here So give a cheer DiPesto won a prize!
Poet Laureate Agnes DiPesto
The next day Agnes arrives at the station looking like an extra from a noir movie
Maddie, who is there to see Agnes off, is not going to be outdone.
And yeah, David is there too.
Maddie and David see Agnes safely aboard the train. Agnes decides to go suss out who else is on board and Maddie is ready to leave but David wants to tell a story about how he once caused a blackout on the east coast. Long story short, David presses one too many buttons and he and Maddie get stuck in the flip down bed.
Meanwhile, Agnes meets Rodney Dillion, who introduces himself as follows:
“You must be JB’s guest! His murder train’s the best. Rodney’s the name, Solving mysteries my game Even if they’re only in jest.”
“My names Agnes. But my friends call me Miss DiPesto.”
“Hello, Miss DiPesto.”
Oh stop they were married in real life? I can’t.
The train departs and Agnes rushes back to her cabin, where voices are talking. “Grandma?” she asks.
David and Maddie shout at her to press the button and release them from the wall. Maddie opens the curtains and announces they’re moving.
“Do we have to? All my friends go to this school.” Says David. (I actually lost it at this line. I’m a simple girl with simple needs, apparently)
Maddie orders David to get her off the train, and David tells her he’d be happy to throw her off but to please refrain from any physical act that is not of an erotic nature. Maddie storms out of the cabin and down the hallway, and David follows making choo choo noises because of course he does.
Maddie storms into the dining car and demands to know who she can speak to about stopping the train. Instead, she meets JB Harland
…who introduces Maddie to his friends Sebastian Rhodes, Janet McCall and Skyler Cantrell as Agnes DiPesto, except Janet recognises her as Maddie. JB is confused, and doubly so when Agnes and David arrive in the dining car. It turns out Agnes sent in a photo of herself at work with her essay about how JB Harland (boo) is the greatest mystery writer of all time, and Harland decided that Maddie was Agnes because ugh.
JB Fletcher wouldn’t have made that mistake. Just sayin.
Harland explains that the train engineer is padlocked into his car with strict instructions not to stop the train for 24 hours. There’s nothing else to be done, Maddie and David will just have to enjoy the ride. He bids everyone return to their business, and to cherish their peace of mind.
The train roars into the night and Maddie tells David she’d prefer to sit alone. David meets Sebastian Rhodes, baker and chef extraordinaire, who is very excited that a couple of real life detectives will be a part of the game this year. Maddie meets Janet McCall, Harlan’s friend and former girlfriend who nearly hired Maddie to be the face of her perfume line, Magic Night. Agnes hangs out with Rodney in his lair.
Later, David and Maddie are bickering in the dining car when a familiar scream runs out. Everyone converges on Agnes’s cabin – where the body of JB Harland (boo) lies on Agnes’s bed.
“You’re not gonna want to sleep here tonight.” David tells Agnes.
Maddie wonders if it’s all fake, but David and Rodney say no he’s definitely dead. Despite Maddie’s insistence that they stop the train, Sebastian instead suggests they pretend the murder is like one of Harlan’s concocted stories – that way, when the train does stop, they can deliver the murderer straight to the police. Janet thinks it will be very easy for the murder to just sneak about and do things at will, but they conveniently have a detective on the train with no links to Harland.
David’s delighted to take charge (Maddie: “I just don’t think… David: “That’s okay you look good.”) but it’s Maddie who notices a familiar smell – Harland’s body is drenched in Magic Night, Janet’s perfume. The passengers flip their lids and rush to Janet’s cabin to search for clues.
Maddie pulls David aside for a word – someone needs to keep the passengers in line before they start killing each other. When David doesn’t seem too bothered by the thought she tells him that if Agnes got caught up in it, he’d never forgive himself.
“Just how cold and unfeeling do you think I am?” Asks David.
He suggests they return to episode 88 of Dynasty and see if things have calmed down a little bit, and they have, slightly. Janet tells them that while she might have thought about killing Harlan a few times she absolutely didn’t kill him this time. She still loved him.
Maddie suggests they all try and get some sleep and look at it in the morning, so they all camp in Agnes’s cabin for the night. The next morning Janet comes rushing in with the news that she’s found the murder knife in Skylar Cantrell’s cabin, it’s obvious that he’s the killer, JB Harland (Boo) refused to lend him money and Skylar copied a death from one of JB’s books to kill his own rich father. Skylar says Janet has it backwards, and that JB stole the idea from Skylar’s father’s untimely demise. Rodney, JB’s technical advisor, announces he has a fingerprint dusting kit, and offers to dust the knife for prints.
Agnes goes to Maddie for dating advice, and Rodney goes to David to get his prints and also get his permission to date Agnes (naww). A familiar scream rings out and Agnes emerges holding a bloody shirt. It’s identified as Sebastian’s but he swears he didn’t kill Harland. Skylar says he had just as much motive as any of them – Harland only kept Sebastian around as the chef for his parties and train rides. He used Sebastian like he used everyone.
With fifteen minutes to go before the train finally stops, Rodney emerges from his lair with the fingerprint results. The prints on the knife belong to…Agnes.
My goose is really cooked My nerves are really shook JB is dead It’s on my head Life is such a rook.
My prints are on the knife It’s going to cost my life I’m gonna fry I wanna cry Oh why oh why oh why
Poet Laureate Agnes DiPesto
But it’s okay, because David Addison Esquire has a plan. He tells Agnes to get everyone to the dining car. Maddie asks him who did it, and David tells her “It wasn’t you, and it wasn’t me, and it certainly wasn’t Agnes, and it wasn’t the butler because JB didn’t have one.”
In the dining car, Addison does his best Hercule Poirot for announcing the prints on the murder weapon could not have been Agnes’s because he wiped it clean. But you knew that, didn’t you Rodney?”
Rodney Dillon grabs the knife and tries to escape with Agnes as a hostage but a well placed karate chop from Skylar Cantrell sees Rodney drop the knife and run. David and Maddie chase him down the length of the train but find him making his getaway on the roof.
The ending has begun You know we’ve all had fun The twists, the turns, The audience learns Rodney has a gun
Look I gave it a crack and we’ve all learned I need a coffee before a poetry recital
Unfortunately for Rodney, a looming tunnel puts paid to any escape plans he might have had, and David tackles him down.
And that concludes that little old mystery. Back at the office Agnes tells Maddie she’s been asked out by Mr Sandwich, but wonders if she’s being fair to Rodney.
It’s the middle of the night in the City of Angels but there’s still a lot happening. A homeless person wheels their trolley down the street, a woman drives a car, a waitress places an order with a cook in an all night diner, a delivery driver loads up and radio announcer Paul McCain is on the air telling the story about a woman with seven hearts meeting a man with seven hearts.
What’s far more impressive is the story of Juan Baptista Dos Santos, who was born in Portugal in the 19th century with two penises. He went to France and met Blanche Dumas, a woman with two vaginas, and had a brief affair. I have no idea if the story is true but I choose to believe it is, and if a man with two penises can find a woman with two vaginas in 19th century Paris then there is someone out there for everyone who is looking.
Also just a side note on the all night diner:
Paul McCain mans the all-night Heartbreak Hotline, where people call in looking for romance advice. It’s just another night in the office – until a gunman bursts in and gunshots ring out across the airwaves.
The next morning, the case is the talk of the own. David Addison wants to solve it but Maddie doesn’t want to take the case on unless someone is going to pay them to do it. David accuses her of a lack of vision, Maddie accuses him of a lack of financial sense. Also there’s talk of Mr Kleenex inventing tissues after looking at his sleeve and saying
David appears to be losing this battle, but has secretly enlisted the entire Blue Moon Detective Agency staff to back him up. Maddie caves and asks Agnes to cancel her dentist appointment, which Agnes has already done thanks to David’s finagling.
Down at the radio station the police are busy collecting evidence but don’t seem to be too fussed to see two private detectives on the scene. Station manager Sonny Brezner tells them that there was a blood trail from the studio out into the street, and reports of Paul’s car nosediving into the ocean, presumably with Paul’s body in it.
Sonny is curious as to why the Blue Moon girl is interested in the whole thing but David announces their client is confidential information which Sonny decides is fair enough. They ask him who would want Paul dead and he tells them Paul didn’t have an enemy in the world – or a friend. Sonny wanted him to work during the day, where the money is, but Paul was happy working the late shift. Maddie asks why that was, and Sonny figures it’s because a lot of married men work during the day and a lot of married women don’t.
David’s all in – the case is going to lead to Mel Gibson playing him in a movie, he’s going to be interviewed by Barbara Walters, he’ll get lewd letters in the mail from women all over America, what a time to be alive etc etc. Maddie is not convinced though, and announces they aren’t taking the case. Paul McCain lived his life in a way that made his death inevitable, there’s nothing to see here.
“You’re mad because he boinked a couple of housefraus?” Asks David.
I’m not sad that the word boinking has disappeared from the world.
David accuses Maddie essentially of being frigid, and of being home in bed by 9:30 (I feel personally attacked) and chants the word boinking until Maddie turfs him out of the car and drives away.
Later that night, Maddie has some soup, feeds the fish, puts her soup bowl in the dishwasher, and goes to bed at 9.30pm. “I hate you David Addison.” She says to herself, throws some clothes on, and goes for a drive to see what happens after 9:30 in Los Angeles – which mostly turns out to be couples kissing on street corners.
As she drives, she puts on a cassette of one of Paul McCain’s shows and begins a binge (including binging the show while lying in bed with a glass of wine I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO PERSONALLY ATTACKED). She concludes her binge in the office, and as David comes in to tell her that he accepts that they won’t take the case, she announces that she’s changed her mind and they should. The man on the tapes isn’t the person Sonny Brezner described, and they should absolutely look into it. She suddenly realises David was there to tell her something.
“Me? You? Nah. Nothing on my mind except you – and this luxurious head of hair.”
David and Maddie decide to begin the investigation at the home of Paul McCain. Maddie’s quite taken with the place.
Maddie: So this where he lived.
David: Yes ladies and gentlemen this is where Paul McCain, late of the Heartbreak Hotline and currently residing twenty thousand leagues under the sea, hung his hat and defiled his dames…
(Maddie storms off)
David: Was it something I said? Or was it something you took?
Maddie asks if they need to get the building manager but David points out that as they both forgot to bring their search warrants a little hokey pokey on the front door with a hatpin is required. Inside, they see a lot of photos and a painting of a woman, but are forced to hide in a closet when said woman – Laura Boyd – enters the apartment with Sonny. Maddie inexplicably decides to come out of the closet, startling Laura who pulls a gun on them. Sonny explains they are investigators and she assumes they’ve been hired by her estranged husband Arthur but David assures her they haven’t. When she asks who has hired them then, Sonny tells her it’s privileged information and she seems to accept that too.
Maddie wants to know anything Laura can tell them about who might want to kill Paul and she says her husband Arthur is the owner of the radio station where Paul worked. Her marriage was loveless, which is why she had Paul. She couldn’t bear to be poor which is why she remained married. What a delightful human.
Maddie and David fight in the car again, this time about how Maddie’s fallen in love with Paul McCain, which to be fair is not incorrect. That night, as the rain falls, Maddie listens to more show recordings and decides to go back to his apartment for another look. After adorably doing the stick pin hokey pokey she breaks into the apartment for a spot of detectiving. The phone rings, and a light comes on in another room. Startled, she knocks a lamp over and legs it as a man gives chase, leaving her handbag behind. Oops.
Unable to open her car door, Maddie starts sprinting down the street, but the man quickly catches up and grabs her shoulder. It is, of course, Paul McCain. Because if there ain’t no body, there can be a sequel there’s a plot twist.
Cut to David Addison busting out a drunken rendition of Respect by Aretha Franklin at absolutely noone’s request.
Would have been funny if he’d done You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman, but I’ll allow it.
While bar staff try to pump David full of coffee, he calls Maddie’s house but only gets her machine – she’s huddled under a blanket drying off, and talking to dreamboat Phil about his sudden upgrade from deceased to alive. He tells her that he didn’t see any other way forward – Arthur was beginning to suspect something was going on, he would never have given Laura a divorce, but you can’t accuse someone of loving a dead man can you? The rain stops and Maddie assures Paul that his secret is safe with her.
Back to the bar where David is telling absolutely no-one about how he’s an old fashioned guy – why only the other night four women were hitting on him at a bar and he said ladies, I’m an old fashioned guy! One of you is going to have to go home. Later, he tells a stool that yes he is feeling insecure that Maddie’s in love with a dead guy.
The next morning, Maddie arrives at work early and finds David just hanging around.
This portrayal of a hangover actually gave me a hangover, and I DID NOT NEED THAT. My god I don’t miss hangovers.
David declares Maddie to be a Scarlet Pimpernel (lol) being out til all hours and not at home, and he should know he tried calling her every fifteen minutes. He thinks it’s unseemly for her to be out and about and it reflects badly on the agency so in the spirit of positive spin, he’s prepared to…help her get her groove back?
Maddie moves from delighted at the phone call every fifteen minutes, to disgusted at the aspersions cast on her personal life and comes down hard on David’s foot. For his information she was out all night with someone but she’s not allowed to say who. She holds out for all of about five seconds before admitting Paul McCain is still alive and launching into a tirade about how much their two day investigation cost them.
“Paul McCain’s alive? I’ll kill him.” David announces as the phone rings.
David hands it to Maddie, who says “Oh hello Paul!”
David snatches the phone back and says “McCain you’ve got some nerve still being alive.”
Paul tells him he wants to come by. He needs their help. Laura’s husband Arthur Boyd has been found shot to death. Murdered.
“It’s for you,” Says David, and hands Maddie the receiver.
Paul comes to the office and swears he had nothing to do with what happened. He and Laura were going to spend three weeks apart until everything settled down but Paul couldn’t do it. He snuck into the radio station office to hide out in Arthur’s office so he could see Laura, but as he made he way in off the fire escape he spotted Arthur in his desk chair. He panicked, but then realised Arthur wasn’t moving or breathing. Also he had a bullet hole in his head.
“I bet that killed the mood.” Says David.
Paul wants to hire them to prove his innocence and Maddie’s all in but David points out that when the world finds out Paul’s not as dead as previously mentioned, he’ll be a number one suspect and they’ll become accessories. Accessories. Batteries not included, action figure sold seperately.
“I’ll pay you.” Says Paul.
“…And accessories go to prison, Maddie. Prison. A good looking guy like me? I don’t even know how to dance.”
“I’ll double it.” Says Paul.
“I’ll learn.” Says David.
A knock on the office door sends Paul down the back entrance with a promise they’ll meet him at 8pm at the radio station to discuss the case. Maddie opens the door to find Laura Boyd, begging her to take her case and prove that she didn’t kill her husband. She’s terrified that once her affair with Paul gets out she’ll become the number one suspect.
There’s another knock on the door and David decides it must be Arthur Boyd wanting to hire them to find out who killed him. He ushers Laura out the back entrance (“Very popular with our innocent clients!”) and invites her to meet them at the radio station at 8pm that night.
Maddie opens the door to find Sonny Brezner waiting. He followed Laura to the office, and he wants to hire them to prove Laura didn’t kill Arthur. He admits the circumstances don’t look good – but he’s convinced she didn’t do it. She’s a very special lady. David invites him along to the meeting at 8pm at the radio station for the hell of it too.
That night, Maddie and David drive to the radio station bickering over who killed Arthur Boyd. Maddie is convinced Laura did it, and David is convinced Laura did it. An argument of “Laura!” “Paul!” tracks from the car, up the stairs to the radio station office.
Maddie and David bicker about who is going to put forward their theory on the case just long enough for the real killer to come in.
After shooting up the studio Sonny takes off upstairs. David and Maddie follow him and lure him out into the open. A chase ensues, and Sonny snuffs it by getting electrocuted by the WKRD radio sign on the roof.
Another job well done by Blue Moon Detective Agency….? Anyway, case closed.
I’m gonna say this right off the top – the start of this episode gave me big Dr Strangelove vibes that didn’t pay off and I’m still mad about it.
Just another LA day, where men flail about trying to dress a dummy like they’ve never had to try and put clothes on a wriggly toddler before. (To be fair I haven’t either, but I’ve seen it done and shout out to all you legends who’ve had to do it, especially during coronageddon)
The Chuck Norris test dummy in position, the demonstration of SRT Industries newest military weapon is ready to begin. The enthusiasm for the project comes from David Baker but his father, CEO Carl Baker is far more muted as is his daughter Vivienne.
I really am very disappointed about this.
Some military bigwigs are in position to witness the test firing of SRT’s latest weapon, the LR-1, or if we’re being honest, a cross between a proton pack and a light saber.
Unfortunately for the weapon’s test pilot it all goes horribly wrong and he is electrocuted. “A very impressive show, son.” Says Carl, as he wheels away.
Meanwhile, back at the Blue Moon detective agency Maddie is trying to drum up more business after securing a contract to handle all of SRT Industries internal security requirements when a call comes in from SRT demanding a meeting immediately. Maddie says she’ll be there right away. She stops at reception to ask Agnes where David is, and she tells her he’s at SRT conducting psychological testing.
Now if you assumed this meant David was down there doing a Bill Murray in Ghostbusters/sexually harrassing staff, so did I. But amazingly, we were both wrong.
David, it turns out, has developed quite a sideline gig hooking up SRT employees to a lie detector and playing poker. Maddie arrives just as he’s counting his winnings from his last subject.
Maddie is very worried about why Baker wants to see them – they only got the job because she is such good friends with Vivienne Baker and she’s using this job to leverage other jobs. David tells her she’s worrying over nothing, Brian Baker probably just wants to tell them thank you.
Cut to Brian Baker telling them their contact is cancelled.
Maddie wants to know what happened and Brian announces not only have SRT’s main competitor Holt Aerospace filed patents for two of SRT’s ideas but someone tampered with the proton saber and their scientist has died. He’s furious and he blames Maddie and David for not doing what they were hired to do – find the leak that was leading Preston Holt to beat SRT to the patent office. They’re done.
David thinks it’s easy come easy go, but Maddie is devastated and kicks David in the shins for saying so. She wants to know if David even bothered to ask Preston Holt how he was getting the information and David says of course not. Maddie decides she’ll do it herself. David tells her that her reputation will bring other clients, she needs to leave the detecting to him but she says she did that and he lost their biggest client. She’s going to have dinner with Preston Holt that evening.
One glitzy champagne and charm fuelled dinner later, Maddie asks Preston how he gets the jump on SRT but he tells her that she wouldn’t believe him even if he told her. He escorts her to her door, where Maddie proclaims him to be a a terrific listener, a wonderful date and a very nice man – things that apparently go against his reputation. Maddie tries to say good night but Preston asks to spend the night – he doesn’t even have to stay, or to sleep with her. He could sneak out the back door – he just doesn’t want to lose face with his chauffeur. After all, he’s Preston Holt and she’s Maddie Hayes. He will even pay – and considering he told her everything she wanted to know…
(Wait, what? When?)
Before Maddie can send him to hell, her front door opens.
David introduces himself as Papa Bear and invites Preston in for Tang, but Preston quickly enacts a tactical retreat. Maddie is furious that David has broken into her home (fair enough I would have thought) and dismisses David’s excuse that he was worried about her. Maddie tells him he was more worried that she’d find the information he wasn’t able to uncover and she has – Preston was getting his information from Omar Gauss, celebrity psychic.
“Who?” Asks David and the entire audience.
“Omar Gauss! Haven’t you ever heard of him?”
According to Maddie, Omar Gaus receives visions of SRT designs and one of his assistants calls Preston with the hot goss.
“And Preston just told you this.” A disbelieving audience David asks.
I had to rewind five times – at no point in the dinner/car ride did Omar’s name come up. I call shenanigans.
David tells her it’s not a good idea, but Maddie is going to arrange a meeting with the Bakers to tell them that the leak is coming from the astral plane.
As you can imagine, it goes well.
Vivienne has a quiet word with Maddie and David and tells them to just let it go, there will be other cases and other clients, but Maddie won’t have a bar of it. She’s determined to prove that Omar Gaus is the source of the leaks and she’s going to confront him about it right away. David asks if he can come to and Maddie softens, asking him if he believes her.
“No – but I believe in you.” David says.
Maddie relents and lets him into the car. “That was a lovely thing to say. What does it mean?”
“I have no idea.” Says David, and they drive to Omar’s.
While Maddie sits in Omar’s waiting room demurely, David does a spot of detecting around Omar’s desk.
“What are you doing?” Hisses Maddie.
“Straightening Omar Gaus’s drawers.” David says. “Be good, I’ll do the same for you.”
Guys, I’m not gonna lie, this show has NOT aged well. Do you know what was good about the 1980s? British children’s cartoons. Do you know what wasn’t? Sexual harassment as comedy.
David sponts Omar’s appointment book and Maddie orders him to put it back, but David wants to know if Omar’s been having appointments with Preston Holt. Omar’s assistant appears to escort them to Omar’s mystical chamber, so David shoves the book down the back of his pants. Maddie hisses at him to return it and David says why – if he’s a psychic, he’ll know when he has an appointment.
Touche. I think?
Omar’s office is filled with books and plants (not unlike my apartment) but also has automatic blinds and hidden classical music for dramatic effect. Omar appears, and Maddie introduces herself and –
“David Addison.” Says Omar.
David is unimpressed.
(If you’re laughing hysterically at this, you too probably saw the cartoon adaptation of The Mask, in which Stanley Ipkiss shouts ‘CAN JOHN STAMOS DO THIS?’. You are also probably my brother.)
Omar is delighted to assist law enforcement in any way that he can, but he’s surprised to learn that Maddie is there after being told by Preston Holt that he was the source of Preston’s information. “Were you prone?” He asks Maddie.
“Excuse me?” Asks Maddie.
“Answer the question.” Says David.
Omar tells them that he doesn’t hear voices, he sees images, smells scents, feels feelings. He had one such vision a few months earlier, and was directed to Preston Holt to help him make sense of it. Unfortunately the image Omar saw turned out to be completely worthless and Omar hadn’t spoken to Preston since. He suspects that Preston gave Maddie what he thought he needed to, in order to get what he needed to.
Downstairs Maddie swears off men, but David still has Omar’s appointment book and sees a lot of appointments with Brian Baker – including one for the next night. Maddie is ready to give up on the whole thing but David thinks a little surveillance is in order – and that Maddie will look great in black.
Of course she will dude, she looks great in everything.
The next night, Brian Baker rolls up to Omar’s house in a sinister looking car while the Blue Moon surveillance team watches from the bushes.
They watch Junior help Carl Baker out of the car and into the house. Once they’re inside, Maddie and David will find their next surveillance spot.
I still don’t get this. Is he wanting a refund of the ground? I’m so confused.
Inside, Omar’s assistant shows Carl Baker to the Mystical Chamber of Mysticism, while Brian has a quiet word with Omar to discuss things he’d like Omar to bring up with his father. Like a payrise. And not listening to his sister. And a promotion to CEO. And one more thing – if Brian finds out Omar is selling information to Preston Holt, he won’t need a medium to talk to Brian’s dead mother Betty if you get his drift.
While David and Maddie scale the roof to snoop away, Omar begins his session with Carl. Sunspots and alignments aside, somethings not right so he asks for the medication. Omar nods and retrieves said medication from the desk. Let’s just assume it’s scopolamine and continue on.
David and Maddie’s first attempt at reconnaissance ends with David falling off the roof so for round two David lowers Maddie down to the window to listen in. Brian asks his dead wife for some sort of sign that he should help Brian and not listen to Vivienne and sees Maddie’s face at the window.
His excitement makes Omar turn around. Seeing the figure at the window he yells for his assistant and starts firing at the prowler. David hauls Maddie back up to the roof and they look for a quick exit. On three sides they are surrounded – on the fourth side is a pool.
David orders Maddie to undress – they’re jumping.
(Side note, I needed this t-shirt last year:)
One spectacular jump into the pool and a quick sprint to the car, and they make their getaway.
“Just for the future,” Says David. “Wet becomes you.”
“Great,” Says Maddie.
The next day Maddie summons Vivienne to Blue Moon to tell her what they’ve learned. Vivienne is sad but not surprised – she’s been frozen out of the business by the patriarchy for awhile now so it’s not that shocking to hear what her brother’s been up to. She will speak to her father and try to get Blue Moon reinstated as security consultants.
“Yabba dabba doo!” Says David for some reason.
While David and Maddie celebrate solving another case, I would just like to take a moment to discuss Maddie’s hair. Well I would, but words can’t do it justice.
Later that night, however, Maddie is woken by a phone call from David wanting to know who sabotaged the gun. He comes over to discuss. He gets that Brian used Omar to get Carl to do what he wanted. He gets that Omar got greedy and sold secrets to Preston Holt. But who sabotaged the gun?
Maddie’s phone rings again – it’s Vivienne. It’s all kicking off at SRT Industries – Brian burst in on Vivienne explaining to her father what Brian was up to and she needs Maddie and David there right away.
On the drive over they discuss who could have been the saboteur. Omar has no motive, Carl had no motive, Brian had no motive and Preston had no opportunity.
So that really only leaves one person, doesn’t it?
I refuse to apologise for that.
Vivienne starts shooting up the place and Maddie and David take shelter behind a console.
“What are we going to do now?” Shrieks Maddie.
“Me, I’m going to take this moment to contemplate most of the western religions – I’m looking for something soft on morality, generous on holidays and a very short initiation period.” Says David.
Vivienne admits to sabotaging the gun, and to leaking the classified information to Preston Holt by pretending to be Omar’s assistant. Brian appears just at that moment, realizing that his sister wanted to take over the company by making him fail.
David takes this opportunity to audition for Star Wars…
…and the ceiling, quite literally, comes down on Vivienne Baker.
And so, another job well done for Blue Moon Detective Agency, who have now moved on to the case of whether Maddie was in bed with Preston Holt when she got the information.
It’s just another night in the city of angels, and a man is getting off a bus to visit a friend in hospital.
Except the man is Tim Robbins and he’s actually there to kill a guy.
Unfortunately, baby Tim Robbins does not have the sufficient expertise to take out the World’s Greatest Assassin (apparently?), who clocks him with a bedpan and then chases him into the laundry room.
Baby Tim Robbins asks him if he’s going to kill him, and the man says damn straight, but then changes his mind, clocks him on the head and turfs him down the laundry chute (presumably they are not on the top floor and he landed on a soft pile of dirty sheets. We will never know).
The next morning, Maddie wakes up looking absolutely fabulous as always and heads in to her first official day at the Blue Moon Detective Agency.
She’s less than enthusiastic when she walks into the office, however, and finds people napping, playing cards, and basically not doing cases. Agnes the receptionist/poet shows Maddie to her office, explaining that there is a gym downstairs, the snack cart comes by at eleven, a hairdresser comes by once a week, and a man comes round to shine shoes. Maddie asks if it’s always this slow, and Agnes says sometimes.
“Mornings?” Asks Maddie.
“Sure.” Says Agnes.
“Mondays?” Asks Maddie.
“Well…” Says Agnes.
“Spring?” Asks Maddie.
“The 80s.” Says Agnes.
Maddie finds David in his office watching Family Feud. She wants to talk business but he wants to talk about this great idea for a TV show he came up with in a dream. It’s called Bus Station and the theme song borrows heavily from The Love Boat. (Buses! All shiny and new! Climb aboard! We’re expecting you….)
Maddie is less interested in his TV pitch and more concerned about the lack of phones ringing and people in the waiting rooms. David tells her the phones are being looked into but it’s really touch because the elevators are out so the phone people can’t come and so neither can the clients it’s the craziest thing. Maddie decides the whole thing has been a mistake and goes to leave, but David assures her he’s got a client coming in 20 minutes and convinces Maddie to wait.
Maddie disappears into her office and David starts legging it out of there, telling Agnes to take his messages. He races down stairs, yells at some oncoming traffic and scurries into the offices of Regency Investigations. Spotting a man sitting in the waiting room David goes up to the receptionist, announces his name to be Tuff from building security, and the man in the corner is rumoured to have a bomb on him. He asks her to introduce him to the man as her boss’s assistant, and he’ll lure the man out of the building – and might come back later to ask her out to dinner.
As promised, David talks the man into coming with him, and makes it to the elevator before the man – Mr Wrye – wants to know exactly where this office is. David comes clean, admits he’s not with the Regency agency, and offers to take care of all of Mr Wrye’s investigatory needs.
Maddie is delighted to meet her first client, and asks Mr Wrye how he came to hear of the Blue Moon detective agency.
“Well, I needed an agency….and there you were!” He says. He explains he’s only in Los Angeles for a short time, but that he’d really like them to find his long lost son who he has been estranged from for the last 20 years. He’s willing to pay ten thousand dollars for their services – David declares for that price he’ll find his whole family. Mr Wrye announces there is a catch – he thinks his son Michael may not be easy to find, and that he might be into something nefarious. And on that note he departs, but not before some more game respecting game….
“We really have a case!” Declares Maddie.
“Hey! Do bears bear? Do bees be?” Says David. (Spoiler alert: yes. They do.)
Maddie apologises for not believing he had a client lined up and David declares this is just the beginning!
I am ashamed at how much I laughed at that.
Before they continue, David looks up nefarious in the dictionary – turns out it means something unspeakably wicked. Piece of cake, announces David.
A solid morning of detecting later, and the pair come up with nothing. Either Michael Wrye is the world’s greatest criminal, or he isn’t at all. But David has a plan – he parks the Maddiemobile outside a bar called Anvil, which apparently is filled with more nefarious types. He plans to go in there, mention Michael’s name and see what kind of response he gets. Maddie is determined to come with him, but he tells her she’ll stand out like a sore thumb. One lecherous makeover that I’m not dwelling on later and Maddie’s ready to go undercover.
In Maddie’s defence, she did say she was a model and could do any look, but David thought unbuttoning two buttons, messing up a blow wave and ripping a slit in her skirt would work because #The80s
Maddie’s entrance is noted by the entire bar, prompting David to tell Maddie to do up her shirt and fix her hair. He goes up to the bar and tries to talk his way into the bartender (Duke from the Rocky movies) good graces, but ends up being thrown across the room. It’s left to Maddie to ask about Michael Wrye, at which point the bartender tells them to go into his office, they’ll talk there.
The bartender tells them that they will only meet Michael once so they need to know all the details before they see him – who, how much, and any insurance requests – is it a murder, a suicide, or natural causes. You guys! Michael Wrye is a contract killer!
Back at the office, David is trying to find a way to get out of the case by calling every hotel looking for Farley Wrye and wearing fake x-ray specs for some reason.
David tells Maddie she must be wearing a lead dress because he can’t see a thing (ew), and Maddie tells him that Farley Wrye called her and he wants to have dinner that night to talk about the case. David tells her that she has to tell him that they’re out, it’s too dangerous, but Maddie doesn’t think she can let down that nice old man. David says he’ll come with her but she doesn’t think that was what Farley Wrye had in mind. They compromise, and David says he’ll wait in the car and drive her home after dinner.
Over dinner at the Carlisle, Farley dazzles Maddie with stories of his time in the war, before a coughing fit forces him to reveal he’s dying. He asks for news of his son.
Cut to David rocking out in the carpark. Maddie gets into the car and asks him to drive her to the office. David wants to know if she told him the truth, and won’t let her out of the car until she tells him. Maddie tells him if he doesn’t let go of the door handle she will scream.
Maddie couldn’t tell Farley that they were off the case, or that his son was a killer. They bicker, and Maddie storms off telling David they should never have gone into business together they have nothing in common. David says sure they do, they like spaghetti and meatballs, they read left to right and they both like sex!
Unable to argue with that, Maddie gets back in the car and David tells her if he ends up murdered, he will never speak to her again.
Back at the office Maddie is collecting her things while David works on a feature movie spin off of his TV show called Parking Lot, when Maddie summons him to her office. David sashays up to the doorway but Maddie tells him “He would like you to come into the office.”
Michael Wrye found them and he’s not terribly pleased about it. He wants to know what the job is, but Maddie explains that his father is dying. Michael starts laughing. Confused, Maddie says he’s dying and he wants to see him. Michael wants to know when his father told her this and she says that night, they had dinner. Michael informs her his father has been dead for the last twelve years, and orders them onto the floor. He wants to know who it really was and David tells him he’s not the only one who has been set up.
Maddie goes back to the restaurant to sweet talk the maitre’d into giving her the credit card receipt for the dinner she had with Farley while David and Michael loiter in the carpark. Turns out Varley Wrye’s real name is Frankie Tate, the best assassin in the country, and Michael Wrye is number two. Turns out Frankie hired Blue Moon to locate the competition. Maddie struggles to take this information in but Michael tells them it’s fine – tell Frankie they found his son. He’d love to meet his father,
The meeting takes place in a junkyard because of course it does. Maddie arrives with Frankie/Varley and the four seasons and tells him how disappointed she is but she figures someone like him wouldn’t understand. Someone like me, wheezes Frankie. He hands over a cheque and gets out of the car. Maddie finds him slumped over the trunk of the car trying to assemble his weapon. He really is dying, he tells her. He figures if he can take out his competition he can die in peace. If not, he’ll just get to where he’s going a lot faster.
David, on the other hand, is with Michael who asks him why he doesn’t stick around for the show. David’s not interested though.
The gunfight kicks off and Frankie gets shot in the shoulder, dropping his gun. As he contemplates trying to get it back Maddie tells David she can’t let them go through with it and rushes back into the junkyard. David chases her and when she’s set to climb into the ring and talk them out of it, he tells her to step aside, he’ll have a chat with the boys. Waving a white handkerchief, he climbs down off the car – and hits the ground as shots ring out around him. Frankie manages to get his gun back and fires one off at Michael, getting him in the side. Michael takes David as a hostage and tells Frankie he’ll blow David’s brains out but Frankie has the upper hand. He tells Michael to drop the gun and delivers a speech about life that was probably very life-affirming except at that exact moment I realized I hadn’t had any coffee yet.
Long story short, Frankie tells a weeping Michael to get out of the business, and walks away. As he does so, he tells Maddie to cash the cheque.
And so there it is. David’s working on Train Station: The Musical, and I’m going to fill myself with caffiene.
A long time ago in a galaxy far away (that I assume is Los Angeles), a man wakes up, kisses his wife and leaves the house. Meanwhile, in another house, that guy from Grease whose name I forget wakes up, loads his gun, and puts on his walkman.
Spiky mohawk dude presses play on his walkman and some Ominous 80s Terror Music begins to play. Spiky mohawk dude is jogging right alongside the first guy and getting all up in his business.
Actually it’s more of a Mad Max tribute vibe, which actually reminds me…
Anyway, after some serious ominous jogging the pair meet in an underpass that I can smell through my computer. The first guy demands to know what blonde mohawk dude wants from him. Mohawk dude doesn’t respond, so the first guy starts to jog away. Mohawk dude pulls a gun from a holster and gives chase. The first guy sees the gun and runs straight into traffic, where he’s cleaned up by a soccer mum who tells everyone in earshot that she didn’t see him.
With the first guy on the ground, mohawk dude runs up and gives the appearance of offering CPR. As the cops roll up weirdly quickly, mohawk dude steals one of two watches on the guys wrist and hightails it out of there.
Just another day in Los Angeles, I would assume.
Cut to a montage of young Cybil Shepherd Maddie Hayes looking STUNNING before a series of smashing noises wakes the lady herself. Rushing downstairs to see the cause of the commotion she finds her chef Andre smashing up the joint. Her housekeeper, Selma, appears to offer a translation – the house staff’s paychecks have bounced again.
“What do you mean they bounced” Asks Maddie, and Andre offers a helpful demonstration of things that bounce (paychecks) and things that don’t bounce (pottery, crystal dishes, and so forth). Maddie assures him that there must be a mistake, but Andre tells her he’s had enough mistakes, quits, pushes a glass cabinet over and walks out.
Baller move, frankly.
Maddie demands answers and gets on the phone with her accountant, but the number has been disconnected. She asks Selma to have David bring the car around but David quit earlier that morning and took the car as collateral. None of her staff have been paid in a month.
Undeterred, Maddie has Selma call her a cab and goes to the accountants office to straighten things out.
Honestly I wish I could have gotten a better shot of this outfit, it was EVERYTHING.
Maddie goes straight to her lawyers office but gets the bad news there’s not much she can do. Her business managers have cleaned her out of all of her cash and stocks, but left her as part or full owner of a bunch of businesses – a dog grooming business, a fingernail boutique, a family portrait studio (her lawyer finds that interesting), a bait and tackle shop, a dirty bookstore, and a detective agency. Alan the lawyer tells her the businesses were worth around 400K which sounds great until he says actually that’s how much they lost. They were kept as a writeoff.
As Alan walks Maddie to his car which he is kindly lending her, he tells her not to worry. She’s Maddie Hayes! Five years ago she was the hottest model in the country, he refuses to believe that companies wouldn’t pay up the ying yang for her to stand next to a car.
Alan tells her he’ll draw a cheque to get her car back from David the chauffeur. He wants her to go home, get herself together, and visit all of the businesses she’s suddenly the owner of and find out what it will take to sell them off. Maddie pouts. She doesn’t like being poor, it doesn’t become her.
One outfit change later, Maddie is bursting in the doors of City of Angels Detective Agency, ready to knock heads. She asks the receptionist, Agnes (who answers the phone with a poem), to speak to the person in charge immediately.
Shout out to me for pausing at the exact right time. I’ve still got it!
David Addison Jr is the..head?…of the City of Angels detective agency and is positively delighted to meet Maddie. She tries to get down to business but he swears he’s met her somewhere before. She sighs and tells him he might have seen her picture somewhere before.
“I knew it!” Says David.
“No flies on you.” Says Maddie.
“Nope, there certainly aren’t.” Says David. “Whatever that means.”
David identifies her as a playmate from 1976, but Maddie shoots him down quickly and informs him that a) she was the Blue Moon Shampoo girl and b) he’s fired.
Maddie drops down the conditions of the closure of the agency, including the return of any company cars (“Company cars? My car? The Porsche? BOTH OF THEM?”) and leave David with an assurance that she doesn’t enjoy putting people out of work.
“You know what’s amazing?” Says David. “From the television commercials, and the billboards and all that stuff…you’d never guess what a cold bitch you are.”
Maddie slaps him, gets into the elevator and leaves.
Meanwhile, across town, an old guy celebrating his granddaughter’s birthday gets a phone call from mohawk dude. Mohawk tells him he’s got the thing but he needs to get rid of it, he’s worried he’s being followed. The old guys says fine, he’ll meet him in an hour, and returns to the birthday party to announce someone has tried to break into his store, and he has to go out for a bit.
Back at the restaurant Dr. Dickhead is called away for an urgent phone call, leaving Maddie wide open for a visit from David who came to return the company car. He thinks closing the agency is a big mistake but not as big as dating that doofus, who David is CONVINCED wears bikini underwear. Ah yes, the 80s.
Out on the mean streets of Los Angeles, mohawk dude is very much being followed and despite attempts to get away, is cornered by this guy who says he was very much hoping mohawk guy would pull over.
The Creature From The Dark Saloon wishes to discuss a certain wristwatch that Mohawk Dude has in his possession. All he wants is the opportunity to negotiate for its purchase. He and his sidekick get out of the car, just as the tractor blocking the tunnel moves. Mohawk dude floors it, and the chase continues.
Back at the restaurant, Maddie tries to make a run for it from the ladies room but David hasn’t given up. He thinks it’s a mistake to close down the detective agency. Maddie tells him they lost too much money the previous year and he tells her that’s what they were supposed to do! Now they’ll make money!
David: I happen to be a great detective.
Maddie: There is absolutely nothing in your work record to indicate that.
David: Well, I have extraordinary credentials and a tremendous depth of experience. Let’s talk about Yale, let’s talk about Princeton!
Maddie: What about Yale and Princeton?
David: Couple of great schools! Let’s talk about government training, let’s talk about Vietnam!
Maddie: You were in Vietnam?
David: I could have been! I came very close!
All David needs is one big case, and with Maddie’s celebrity he think he can do it.
“Goodnight, Mr Addison.” Says Maddie.
(And so, this blog was born).
While the car chase continues outside, Dr. Dickhead reappears to announce he’s got an emergency and has to leave. David tells him he’s a business associate of Maddie’s and just so happened to be out with the wife and kids celebrating Patty getting her braces off when he saw Maddie across the room. Maddie suggests she come with Dr. Dickhead but he tells her not to worry, he’ll call her tomorrow.
Maddie and David bicker at the elevator, as the car chase turns into a foot race. Mohawk Dude sneaks into a great glass elevator, but Creature spots him and he and his sidekick ride the elevator next door.
You can see where this is going right? The elevator finally arrives for Maddie, but before she can make her escape mohawk guy shoves the wristwatch onto her arm before dropping dead, a knife in his back. At the bar, the grandpa he was supposed to meet looks stricken.
David and Maddie get taken down to the police station for questioning.
David uses his one phone call to order pizza for the precinct (something similar happened at the Royal Women’s Hospital on the evening of my birth, Dad being a big believer of pizza as a thank you), and then Maddie is taken in to the interview room for questioning.
Presumably, she also manages to convince the police that she was just an innocent bystander as she is free to go. Once she steps outside, she is accosted by a film crew from Entertainment Tonight, wanting to know if it’s true she’s investigating the case with a private investigator.
David hoots and hollers his appreciation for the situation in the background, and then legs it. Maddie chases him into the garage and he eventually apologizes for capitalizing on her witnessing a murder. He (slowly) exits her life, only to return five seconds later with the company car aka his Porshe. Maddie relents and they drive to her mansion.
On arrival, Maddie tells David to take the car, she’ll pick it up in the morning. David thinks he’s given her the wrong impression but all Maddie wants to do is go inside, take about 45 sleeping tablets (um, no?) and sleep off this terrible day. It’s nothing personal, she tells David. She just hates him.
*Mentally compiles a list of people I could say that about*
As she’s about to close the door, David says, “Hey, you wanna know something weird? There’s a guy back here pressing a gun into the small of my back.”
Cut back to Maddie, who now has a knife at her throat thanks to the Creature.
(I was nearly going to make this a two-part blog, but it’s either this or assemble a sofa bed, so onwards!)
Inside Maddie’s house, the Creature, whose name it turns out is Simon, wants to know where the wristwatch is, but Maddie insist she gave it to the police when she was at the station. She doesn’t understand why Simon chuckles at this, and when Simon asks David to explain why it’s funny, he says it’s because Simon doesn’t know whether it’s true or not, but that he’s planning on applying duress to find out.
When Simon’s sidekick’s back is turned, David makes a play for an escape, but it’s quickly curtailed when Maddie manages to shoot everything in the room except the bad guys. Simon instead moves them to the kitchen to show how terrible it can be when a hotdog is applied directly to a hotplate. Mmm. Creepy.
“I’d like to take this opportunity to initiate a discussion about fried foods.” Says David.
Simon’s sidekick slowly edges Maddie closer to the hotplate and she screams that the wristwatch is with the police. Simon decides that’s enough. He’ll go and check. But if it’s not, he will be back and it won’t be to hurt them. It will be to kill them. And then…
I AM NOT MAKING THAT UP, I SWEAR TO GOD.
After Simon and his sidekick have gone, Maddie announces she’s never been more scared in her entire life and sets to work freeing David from his restraints. Rather than helping Maddie out of hers, he decides it’s time for a little chit chat and gives her some vodka. Because it turns out, the watch Maddie gave the police was the watch David received on his graduation. The mystery watch was on his hand the whole time.
Maddie loses it and calls David, among other things, a sissy fighter who doesn’t know how to punch. (#AhYesThe80s) This annoys David but he eventually agrees to untie Maddie.
Maddie and David adjourn to City of Angels offices to plan their next move and take a nap. Maddie demands to know what David’s plan is but realises he doesn’t have one yet. He bids her goodnight and adjourns to the next room to bust out some Blue Moon on the harmonica.
The next morning, they agree that the best course of action is to find out more about the watch, and so they go to a pawnshop broker that David knows. He informs them that the watch is completely worthless, it never worked, it’s junk.
“Explain THAT to me!” Maddie says.
“That. It’s an adjective. I’ll use it in a sentence for you. That cow jumped over that moon.” Says David.
“Numbers? The plot thinnens.” Says David. (I’m dying)
Discouraged, Maddie and David depart the store. Not even a minute goes past and the Grandpa from earlier wanders in from the back of the store. The pawnbroker is startled but writes him off as a harmless old man, until the harmless old man starts demanding to know what the numbers are on the watch, and stabs the pawnbroker in the back when he can’t remember them.
Back in the car and fighting again, Maddie is listing all the reasons why David is a screwup when David pulls up to a newsstand and tells Maddie to get the morning paper. He tells her to turn to the obituaries and look for the memorial of Jonathan Kaplan, aka the jogger who got hit by the car. David remembers the police mentioning that Mohawk guy was a witness to the man being struck by the car, and maybe it’s worth looking into.
“That sounds like a plan,” says Maddie.
“Me? Plan? Couldn’t be! Everybody knows I have no facility for deductive reasoning. Hell, I can’t even walk and chew gum at the same time. Dumb David, always chomping on his feet and blowing bubbles with his shoes. Me? Plan? Noooo!” Says David.
This show is the best.
Maddie and David visit Jonathan Kaplan’s widow pretending to be interested in buying the watch. She tells them she doesn’t have it – it was left to her husband after his father died a month earlier. He was wearing it when he died, and it disappeared. Maddie thinks its a strange thing to bequeath. Jonathan’s widow tells her that her father in law was a POW in World War 2, and right when the war was ending a Nazi officer who could see the writing on the wall, asked the watchmaker to smuggle four million dollars worth of diamonds into America, to be collected later. When the Nazi eventually arrived, the watchmaker says, he stiffed him on the diamonds and hid them in a secret place.
“You sound like you don’t believe him.” Says David.
“No flies on you.” The widow says.
Wait. What does that even mean? Anyway, Kaplan’s widow knew the old man didn’t have the diamonds, he didn’t live like a man who had diamonds. He was determined to wait the old Nazi out, or so he said. A week after he died, another watch collector came to ask about the watch. David asks if it was a man resembling Simon, but she says no, he was about 65.
Mulling over what this might mean, the pair of them leave Widow Kaplan knocking back marg after marg. David opens the door for Maddie and she gets into her car. He goes around to the drivers side, hops in and adjusts the rear-view mirror.
David: Maddie, if I asked you to do something for me, would you do it without asking why?
David: I withdraw the question.
In the backseat of the car, with a cord around his neck, is the body of Simon. Maddie wants to know how David knows he’s dead.
“He’s dead, or he wears an obscene amount of blue rouge.” Says David.
Maddie’s had it. It’s the end. She’s taking the watch to the police. She goes into a neighbourhood bar to call 911 and gets placed on hold. David feeds her kamikaze shots to take the edge off, but when he sees how determined she is to do it, he relents and instead asks her to dance. After a tender moment, she departs in a cab – minus a wristwatch, pickpocketed out of her jacket by light fingers Addison himself.
By the next day Maddie has discovered the treachery and storms into Blue Moon Detective Agency, ignoring the cheers of the newly reemployed staff. In his office David tells Maddie to calm down, and neatly dodges some unidentified stationery before it goes sailing out the window. Before Maddie can reach for the fax machine, David tells he’s worked out the numbers. After a whole lot of dead ends the night before he started stroking his globe and remembered that both Jonathan Kaplan and his father were pilots.
The numbers are latitude and longitude. To the library!
Their research pays off – the coordinates point to the northeastern corner of 9th and Broadway but their research has not gone unnoticed by Grandpa, who loiters on the stairs while they work.
They head on over to the scene of the treasure, and notice a clock tower on the top of the building showing the same time as that on the broken watch.
“I think this is significant.” Says David, and announces that “The tension mounts, the suspense builds” as they climb up to the top of the building.
Out on the walkway underneath the clock, David tries to explain that men are fifteen minutes ahead of women, evolutionarily speaking, and Maddie scales the building in her high heels to look for the diamonds on the clockface.
A well timed kick and a hair-raising stunt later, and they have the diamonds.
But not for long.
Nazi Grandpa, whose name apparently is Heinz, isn’t going anywhere without his diamonds and will crawl out on a ladder over downtown Los Angeles to do it.
Alas, no diamonds for you, Heinz. Or should I say *coughs* Hans?
I’m not saying there’s going to be a Die Hard reference in every episode. But I’m not not saying it either.
And so, the Blue Moon Detective Agency was born! Who knows what mysterious adventures will take place. Will a streaming service actually show the episodes so I don’t have to scour the internet for dodgy copies? Who knows!